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Wit and Wisdom Page Two

Classified Ad Bloopers
(Actual advertising faux pas from newspapers around the country.)


• Illiterate? Write today for free help.

• Automotive Repair Service. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

• Dinner Special––Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

• For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.

• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

• And now, the Superstore––unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.


Words of Wisdom


• It is attitude, not aptitude, that determines your altitude.

• The purpose of existence is not to make a living, but to make a life.

• Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Church Bulletins and Service Bloopers


• Don’t let worry kill you––let the church help.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

• Thursday night––Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Fun Puns


• Dyslexics have more nuf.

• Clones are people, two.

• Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

• Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

• Editing is a rewording activity.

• Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

• What if there were no hypothetical questions?

• No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.

• If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then is the opposite of progress congress?

• A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie.” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later, the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.” At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey, I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.” “It’s the peanuts,“ answered the bartender. “They’re complimentary.”

Tortured Puns

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal medicine man, who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the medicine man looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”


A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

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